Why?
by leeleea
Summary: My plan is for this is to be a series of one shots featuring Hollyoaks characters and why they are the way they are. The show never really explains why characters behave a certain way or suddenly change. This is my attempt at giving backstories to the changes in character the show never gives us. Chapters 1 & 2 are McQueen related. Each chapter stands alone.
1. Chapter 1 Swan Song

Have you ever met someone, and the moment you meet them you just know they are going to change your life forever?

I met someone who had that sort of impact on me.

He's the reason I gave up being a DJ.

I loved music. Music and deejaying were my life.

In fact, deejaying is how I met him.

A music producer- he was one of the youngest in the industry.

I was majorly impressed that someone only 7 years older than me had made a name for himself in a industry as cutthroat as music . Not only did he have the name recognition he had clout- but he also had the serious respect of many of the top names.

He liked my stuff. Said " I had real talent an original. A possible game changer."

I had blushed at his words. " Piss off. " I told him.

" I call it as I see it. And you, you have it Johnny P." he said.

That meant something to me. Here was someone who worked with so many different artists in the field telling me he liked my mixes and I had potential.

Did I mention he was gay and fit?

I had a bit of a crush on him.

Don't get it twisted, I loved Craig, and he had my heart completely, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't flirt with him from time to time. Nothing beyond a teasing word or two, sometimes three or four.

I'd love it when he's show up to my sets, and often afterwards we'd go out for drinks and talk about the latest records we had heard, or up and coming bands. Sometimes, we would spend an entire night scouring the city for the obscure acts , sussing out where they were playing secret shows at some hidden club.

It wasn't only music we talked about- I shared a lot with him about losing Tina and Kieron, in some ways it was easier talking to him about the tough stuff than Craig.

Craig tried not to let on he was jealous, but I knew our friendship bothered him, so I did my best to convince him we were nothing more than mates.

" He's sort of like the older brother I always wanted." I told him, and I believed that.

Then it happened, we were out at a club dancing to the music of another mysterious indie band ,and we both had a bit too much to drink , and were dancing a bit too close...and he kissed me, and ...I kissed him back.

I went home with my head in a spin. I said nothing to Craig about it. The next time I saw him I told him we needed to keep things professional. He agreed with me and blamed our actions on the several rounds of whiskey and lager. Things went back to how they had been, except I never hung out after hours with him anymore.

Until one night, he turned up to my show . We had each had a beer after I finished my set, and he begged me to come back to his. He had just obtained a rare album by some Swedish band from the 60s or 70s that once played with Jimi Hendrix, and in his words " I just had to give it a listen."

I agreed to go, and got up and went to the gents. When I returned I downed the rest of my beer in one gulp and followed him outside. I don't remember much after that point it comes to me in bits in pieces. I remember being outside up against the wall of the club with his tongue down my throat and him groping me and calling me "hot and sexy".

I remember him kissing my neck as we drove to his place. I remember my head hurting tons like I was going to be sick, and him offering me something to take the nausea away. When I tried to get up from his sofa , and said I should probably go home to Craig since I was feeling so badly, he asked me to give the medicine a few minutes to work. He pleaded for me to stay- he wouldn't have the album much longer, he was going to have to return, and he didn't know when he's get his hands on it again- this was a once in a life time opportunity. I took a sip from the can he offered ,and the remainder of what happened that evening is all fuzzy memories. I do recall him forcing my hand down the front of his jeans and me swatting him away when he tried to do the same to me, I remember mumbling something about Craig and really needing to go … that we couldn't... that I shouldn't ...that's it ,the next clear memory is waking up the next day.

The following morning, I opened my eyes to find myself in his bed: sore and my clothes scattered on the floor of his room.

He had left breakfast and a note for me . The note said I could use anything I wanted in his flat, but to be out by noon when the cleaners were due in.

I've never dressed more quickly in my life. I finished putting my shoes on in the garden.

I went home, hoping Craig was out- I wanted to be on my own. He wasn't. He took one look at me and knew something was wrong, and I collapsed into his arms sobbing.

He held me tightly . I couldn't speak, and after what felt like hours , Craig ventured a guess " Tina?" he whispered to me softly.

Then it hit me, I couldn't tell the truth. If I were to be honest, I would have to admit I had been at his place. I had kissed him. I had been drinking with him. The facts didn't paint a pretty picture, and if the roles were reversed... I wasn't sure I would believe myself either.

In fact, I wasn't sure anyone would believe me. It would be his word against mine. Who would they believe- a kid that liked to party too much who often went on benders ,or the musical prodigy everyone loved and praised? I convinced myself it would be a waste of time, after all, to the bigoted police and jury I'd be just another gay guy.

Then I considered Craig and everything we had been through in recent months, I had given Craig enough reasons to worry after me I saw no reason to add to the list of troubles I caused his mind.

It was settled, there was no need for Craig or anyone else to know the truth.

I nodded in agreement, in response to his question.

It was one night of my life. One horribly bad night. That's all it had to be ,right? I rationalized to myself as Craig soothed me.

Nothing a shower, black coffee, and a nap couldn't fix. At least that's what I told myself.

I went to work that night. He didn't show up. In fact I didn't see him until a couple of weeks later. I did my best to avoid him , but he wouldn't let me.

As I finished my set, and made to leave he caught me by my arm saying " We need to talk about what happened the other night." I pulled away, and started home texting Craig as I went.

The next few days I received a few more text and calls from him. I don't know why I did it, but I agreed to meet him in the park one afternoon to talk.

He greeted me like he always had, like when were friends. We sat on a bench facing the pond, me sat as far away as possible from him. The conversation started with chat about the unusually mild weather we were having and football - he did most of the talking.

After a deep breath he said " We need to talk about what we did that night. I need to know we can still be friends."

" We didn't do anything!" I snapped. " You drugged me. You took advantage of me. You forced yourself on me. You hurt me. No I don't think we can be friends, and I seriously doubt we ever were!" I jumped to my feet.

He followed after me, grabbed my shoulder and forced me to look at him. " That's not how I remember it. You see I remember you flirting with me. You coming back to my place. I remember you kissing me. You grabbing my arse. You on your knees. That's how I remember it -you wanting every moment of it, and somehow I think your boyfriend. What's his name again? The one you claim to love so much? Craig ! Craig that's his name. Some how I think Craig won't see you as innocent either."

He then got closer to me. " Neither will Roy- he really hates people who try to sleep their way to the top." he sneered at me as he mentioned the producer he had promised to introduce me to.

He dropped his voice even lower. " Neither will the police. After all ,you agreed to meet me today. Why would you do that if I'd done something to you?"

I felt my stomach drop.

" Are you trying to intimidate me?" I asked forcing my voice to become stronger than I felt.

" I'm just stating the facts, Johnny P."

"Don't call me that."

" You know me...I call it as I see it."

I yanked myself from his grasp and walked quickly away without a clue as to where I was headed.

From then on he would show up to my sets from time to time . He would stare at me until my blood went cold, and I was certain what little color I had in my pale face was gone and I had to excuse myself to the toilets.

One evening, I was forced to work with him. Forced to sit next to him - I was trying to help a friend land a deal, and she begged me to sit in on the meeting with a few producers. He kept brushing up against me his hand "accidentally" touching my groin.

I quit my job as a deejay that night.

He texted me a few weeks later, asking why he hadn't seen me in the clubs, wanting to know if I was interested in meeting up with him he had a few producers who would love to hear me. I blocked his number and didn't respond.

A few months later I quit music- I sold my guitar, my records, anything music related...anything that reminded me of him -gone!

Craig was confused by my behavior. He thought I was being rash- going through another phase of grieving.

I told him I needed to stop messing around. Music was fine for me to play at as a kid , but not a career choice.

He argued with me - pointing out that I loved my music, and while it was true a career in that industry was a pipe dream for most people I had solid interest from legitimate names in the field. If anyone was meant to succeed it was me.

I told him to grow up and stop living in a fantasy world. I needed a stable and reliable career.

When he asked what I had in mind I told him teaching.

I hadn't been much for school when I was in it, but I always loved reading and learning, and maybe I could make a difference maybe I could be a mentor to kids " like us".

Craig had scoffed at me implying he was gay as well, but had been supportive of the idea telling me he'd thought It was a great choice and I'd be a top teacher.

If only I had known where my choice would lead.

I've never told anyone the truth about what happened that night, the real reason I became a teacher,not even after what happened with Finn. I doubt I ever will.

I thought I could move on ,throw myself into my new career ,and find new interests .

I convinced myself that I had , but every now and then it all comes back to me when I see his name in the papers or on the telly receiving more awards and accolades it's like I'm waking up the morning after in his flat all over again.

The shame. The confusion. The self- doubt. The horrible sinking feeling. The guilt.

The truth is, I'll never forget Ryan.

* * *

 **This is my attempt to explain why JP has seemingly lost all interest in music something that was initially so important to his character and now since his return has been forgotten.**


	2. Chapter 2 Rocks Under Tides

**The title of this chapter comes from " Magnus and Morna " by Dinah Craik**

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Mad. Loyal. Criminal. Hypocrites. McQueens. On the surface that's who we are, but our bonds that tie us together are knotted together with those that have left us scarred.

The reason for that is the one thing we don't speak about as a family.

To be completely cliche, history repeats itself.

The best way of explaining is to start at the beginning, and for that we need to go back to my days as a girl. I used to ask myself " Why me?" "Why was I chosen?" " Why couldn't my mum see what was happening?"

I tried to tell her-,the best way I knew how as a child- I protested. I never wanted to visit Nan and Grandad. She always made me go. She always chided me when I complained about him pinching my bottom. " I was being a ninny." Grandad was always " only having fun or messing" Every visit she made me kiss and hug him.

When he died I said I was happy while the rest of the family grieved and I was told I was a "wicked child."

I didn't understand it then, I knew that she knew. I grew to blame myself, and when my dad's best mate attacked me, I thought " Why wouldn't he?" I kept the these secrets to myself - buried them deep down in my soul.

The thing about these kinds of secrets they never go away until they are properly sorted. They fester like the untreated wounds they are- and they ooze and seep into areas of your life you would never conceive of.

I always promised myself that when I had children I'd be the greatest mum of all time. I would be everything my mum wasn't . Never did I imagine I would repeat her mistakes. Never did I imagine I would understand her actions- or rather inaction all too well.

I saw it in Myra's eyes- that familiar haunted look, the way she shirked his touch. I convinced myself it wasn't what it was- that it was innocent, and she was simply a stroppy teenager. Denial was easier than acknowledging the truth. Denial was easier than reliving my own pain.

When she fell pregnant, I cursed myself for inviting him into our home- for being fooled by a man who showered me a single mum with affection and treated my children as his own.

Even then I didn't speak up. No instead, I lashed out at my daughter- forced her to abandon her baby. I told myself she would get over it.

The crime so black I was desperate to keep our secret at all costs.

And cost us it did.

It's the reason Myra and Reenie are drunks.

It's the reason my gut turned when Myra introduced me to Daniel, and I begged her not to let him round her kids, and after why I tried to convince her they were so young they likely wouldn't remember- even though we both knew that to be a lie.

It's the reason the girls are wild and slandered as "easy"

It's the reason my grandson blames himself for everything.

It's the reason I was quick to call Porsche a liar , even though in my heart I knew it was the truth. I'd rather have a liar for a granddaughter than the alternative of another one of mine being hurt in that way.

It's the reason no one among us can find and keep a good relationship.

It's why we harbour so much, mistrust between us and at the same time our fiercely loyal and protective.

It's the reason I was silent and ashamed for so long.

Maybe things could have been different had I opened up earlier. Different for me, different for my children. Different for my grandchildren.

I know, I know that what was done was not my fault -only those that did are responsible. Only the guilty are to blame.

All of that is true, but in my heart I feel the secrets I've kept have destroyed me, have destroyed my family.

Now I have found my voice I will never be silenced again.

I pray Kathleen Angel, Myra Pocahontas, and Matthew will never know the pain and fear I and the others have.

I pray in doing so I will give those I love The strength to speak. The courage to heal.


	3. Chapter 3 Man In The Mirror

**For Guest on September 16th. Hope you like it!**

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" He was a full 2 and a half pounds smaller than his brother. Little Peanut he was."

I never tire of hearing mum relay this fact. Every time she's talking about my brother and I she has to let it be known I was the runt-the weaker twin.

Everyone laughs and coos over the baby photos.

Even though I hate it I go along with it , I have perfected the eyeroll and sheepish smile and the perfect quip " I've caught up to him now." , and stretch to my full height to show of the quarter inch or so I have on him. Everyone laughs again.

Except, I'm not really laughing. Most of the time I still feel like I'm coming up short.

A poke to the stomach, a pat on the head, a " Oh not Jase he's sensitive" ,It's good natured I know. Teasing between brothers and taking the mickey with the other lads in the showers. I know it's not meant to be serious when we compare how much we can lift. It's not meant to be taken to heart I know.

But I do, I've always felt a bit of the outsider . I'm quiet the others loud and shouting at each other. They fix the cars I manage the books. It shouldn't be a big thing but it is- it's more evidence that I'm different to the others that I come up short.

Joe- tall dark, handsome and strong, the girls are always going on about his arms.

Freddie-pure badass James Dean kind of cool

Ziggy- Fit , ladies man

Robbie-Bad boy, good with the girls, my twin I'm constantly compared to.

Me- none of the above, but I'm good at numbers ( big freakin' whoop!)

I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I wish I was a bit more like them, a little taller, a little more fit, a little more daring, a bit smoother with the ladies. I'm thinking of becoming a cop after school- what's more manly than that? What girl wouldn't love a bloke who puts his life on the line daily?

I do have a girl, arguably the best looking girl at school, but sometimes I wonder why Holly is with me.

Is she really into me or does she just see me as the " safe option".

She tells me she loves me and likes me just the way I am , but I've seen the way she looks at the actors in the films I we go to- the Zac Efrons and the Henry Cavills. I look nothing like them. I hear her laughing along with her mates how we can share pants and tops.

She may like me as I am , but I'm sure she'd like me a bit more with washboard abs and well defined biceps.

Mum says not to worry in the end girls go for boys with brains over brawn, I don't find that particular reassuring. For one thing I don't want to be comforted by my mom like a baby. Secondly, I don't want to be considered a boy. I want to be thought of as a man like my brothers. Besides, wouldn't having both better- sort of an Ultimate Man thing?

I don't know.

I know I'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing what I see. I know I'm tired of stepping on the scale and never seeing my weight change -only gaining in the wrong spots.

Maybe the pills will help, maybe they won't, but boxing hasn't done it. Hitting the gym everyday after school has't done it. The protein shakes and powders haven't done it, skipping a meal hasn't done it, so they're worth a try.

They may do nothing and they may do everything.

One way or another I'm sick and tired of coming up short.


	4. Chapter 4 Of Royles

p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"My path has gone astray. I never meant to be who I have become./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I always wanted to make him proud. Make it so she could put your feet up, never work a day again the remainder of her days, and simply enjoy the high life./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"You didn't need diamonds./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;""Gold and diamonds don't mean happiness. all I need to be happy are my darlings ." Mum declared countless times with certainty, and she would know, because once she had the world at her fingertips./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Before we lost everything./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Elizabeth was little then, and she'd take your hand and sweetly agree " That's right mummy. I'll only ever need you," before kissing your cheek./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"She was too young to remember,/p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Remember how you always wore the finest dresses./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Remember how at exactly a quarter till five each day, you'd run the brush through your hair, slap on a little rouge, and fasten your favorite chain of pearls, the one you bought on your trip to Thailand, around your neck./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Just at five, the door handle would turn, and he'd come in a rush it excitement bursting through the door frame along with him./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"He'd twirl you into his arms, kiss you till you blushed, and with a squeeze call you his " Best girl" , " His Queen."/p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"" Oh James !" You'd say as if you were embarrassed, but you'd be smiling when you kissed him in return, and he'd kiss you back and tease " Oh Lottie!"/p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Then he would drop to his knees and gather Libby and me into his arms , fish a sweet or small trinket from his pocket, kiss the tops of our heads and carry us into the dining room./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I was certain there was absolutely no one stronger or more powerful than my dad./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"That was my second favorite part of the day./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"My favorite part of the day was standing beside dad on the stepstool as he fed his fish. He knew every species, knew their ins and outs, their strengths and their flaws. I was mesmerized- thought my dad was the smartest man in the entire world./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I was fascinated by their bright colors , the differences in size./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"One evening as I watched him clean the aquarium, he asked me which was the toughest, and like any 8 year old would- I selected the biggest fish in the tank./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;""Never be fooled by appearances T. J., things aren't always as they seem."/p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"He pointed to the tiniest fish of them all and said: " That one there could destroy you guy in seconds."/p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"How I wish you had heeded your own words. I wish you had known your enemies and hadn't been blind to them./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"It wasn't long after that night, that they came- came in the night and destroyed everything./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Came, and took you from us./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Mum did her best, but little by little the collectors came and stripped us of the life we once knew until there was nothing left- not his fish tank, not his chair, not even the rugs on the floor./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"" It's alright," mum said with resolve in her voice. " We have each other and that's most important."/p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"She went to work cleaning houses, from dawn to dusk she scrubbed windows and floors and scoured toilet, and the end of the week there was barely enough money for us to eat and keep the heat on./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Mum tried, but there were no more 5 o'clock twirls and trinkets. No more pearls and diamonds./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"On holidays Libby and I would follow her to work, she couldn't afford a sitter and wouldn't dare leave us alone./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Libby loved to stare at the ancient paintings hung on the walls and count her steps on the grand staircases. She never noticed the stares and turned up noses, but I did./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I heard the taunts " You'll never be one of us."/p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I vowed then and there to prove them wrong./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I wanted to be the man in the grand house. I wanted to be the man in the flashiest car. The man with the most beautiful girl./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I wanted to be the man that moved in the night- the man with the power to spare or destroy. I wanted to be respected, to be feared./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"At first, it was only small things./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I told mum I got work sweeping shops or selling papers when I handed mum my wages at the end of the week./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"But then we lost Libby, to the illness because we weren't important enough, weren't rich enough to save her./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I started stealing cars then and running drugs./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Then I lost mum, and I completely lost my way. It didn't matter who I hurt or how I hurt them. I didn't have anything else to live for beyond power./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I only ever wanted to be half the man he was./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I only ever wanted to care for Mum and Libby- give them the life they deserved./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I only ever wanted to make Dad proud./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"I used to lie awake at night thinking of him, wondering if he was happy, where he were. Wondering if God had put him in charge of all the pet fish that had gone to heaven./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Wondering if he could see, Libby, Mum, and me, see the ghosts of who we used to be./p  
p style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: medium;"Now, I hope he can't. I hope my side of the world is black from where he is./p 


End file.
